The Trials and Tribulations of a Woman Just Trying to Make a Real-Life Connection in a Cyber-Savvy World

Words…They Mean Things

So you’ve got a good profile picture, not a single wedding ring or decade-old photo in sight. Great! Now what? Ah, now comes the difficult part, or rather…what should be easiest of all: your biography and messages.

Biographies…Stop Sucking at Them

Women love reading long biographies. Love them to death. But for heaven’s sake, don’t drone on about things. You wouldn’t give a detailed history about your life to a stranger in a bar, would you? Or maybe you would, I don’t know how crazy you are. The point is, don’t do it online.

A lot of women prefer detailed biographies. Now, you may be wondering, “Didn’t this chick just say not to drone on and on?” I did. But you can be detailed without boring us with long biographies. Mention where you went to school, what you majored in, if you’re a dog or cat person, etc. Be witty if you can and don’t be generic. Avoid the clichés; you know which ones I’m talking about. Even if you do like “trying new things” or “going out with friends,” leave it out because literally everyone says that. Think of something interesting that could be a conversation starter.

Also, put effort into your profile. Gentlemen, when you talk about what you’re “looking for,” please don’t be a troll. For example, one certain dating site asks for the age and location of your preferred date. Please look at it, otherwise it will say: Looking for single women, located anywhere, ages 18‑99. I’ll be sure to let my grandmother in Alaska know you’re on the prowl.

For the Love of All That is Holy…Spell Check!

I can’t speak for all women, but when there are several grammar errors in a guy’s bio, it makes me wonder if he can spell at all. For instance, when you write “dose” instead of “does,” I might question your intelligence. Use your computer’s spell check for peace of mind.

I understand grammar mistakes happen, but when your bio is riddled with them…I cannot control how my uterus will react. As Ted from How I Met Your Mother put it, “I can actually hear the sound of her vagina being boarded up.”

Actually TRY When You Message Us

No more “Heys” or “How are yous.” Please. I beg you. Do you know how many messages we get in a day? A week? A month? If you really want our attention, stand out! Open with a question like, “So, if you could meet anyone, dead or alive, who would it be and why?” The answer might surprise you. Dating is just a series of interviews and you get to pick the questions! They can be random like, “Avocados. Love em, like em or wish Noah hadn’t brought that nonsense onto the Ark?” They can also be deep. “So where do you see yourself in five years?” A sure-fire hit is asking us about something we mentioned in our profile. That means you cared enough to actually read it and would love to learn more.

Now, let me just share something with you. I was messaging a guy a while back and it seemed like it was going well. He had written in his biography, “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” I thought it was cute considering I hadn’t heard it in a while, so when he messaged me, I asked:

Me: So…what WOULD you do for a Klondike Bar?

Him: That’s just quirky fodder. I don’t really care too much about them. Maybe buy one every once in a while, eh?

Did you cringe? I did. I immediately lost interest in the guy. Not because he didn’t like Klondike Bars (But I mean, come on, who doesn’t?), but because he immediately came off as boring. I’m very well aware that was quirky fodder, sir! So I expect you to give me some more! When I ask, “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” I expect you to reply with something like, “I’d kill a man” or “What haven’t I done for a Klondike Bar? *gazes longingly into the distance*”

Make me laugh! It’s not that hard! You have no idea how much women appreciate a sense of humor. Make us laugh and you’re one step closer to our hearts.

Listen and Learn

All in all, these are just a few things that irritate women and cause us to not message back. When that happens, take a step back and ask, “Where did I go wrong? What’s missing? How can I translate how awesome I am in person onto the page?” because that’s really all it comes down to.

You’re already awesome, you don’t need someone to tell you that, but it would be nice if you could SHOW us how awesome you are. Then we can meet because you grabbed our attention with your biography and dazzled us with your wit in a message. Otherwise, we’ll just ghost out on you hoping you never message us again. C’est la vie.